I keep getting this recurring theme showing up in random places. (Reminds me of how people say when they first meet me, they start seeing '11' everywhere.) It is a reminder: Whatever YOU are looking for, YOU will find. If you look for misery and suffering, you will find it in abundance. If you focus on beauty and love, you will see it, your heart will finally be still with JOY. What I am being pointed to now, over and over again (which I've been ignoring for years out of a combination of my own ignorance and stubbornness) is that thinking the same behavior I have been exhibiting will get me a different result. This is just a bad waste of good energy. (Similar to the famous Einstein quote defining insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.) If you are suffering, you are a victim of something. We are here to figure out what our story is, then write it ourselves, making the discovery that we have been the author of our stories all along. Whatever was done to us (WHICH MAY HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE, UNFORGIVABLE, PAINFUL BEYOND MEASURE) is over, and if it's not over, most likely YOU are the only one who is perpetuating the suffering. That is it my dear friend. (I speak in regards to the physical and the emotional, because ALL ONE.) A promise I have made to MYSELF, is to never sink so low again. The underworlds exist, they are dark, you can explore them all you wish (probably not in a safe manner.) Most humans do not allow themselves to feel such extremes, we are fearful. I didn't want to be afraid of the darkness, so I explored it, I sat with it, I worked with it.... but you must know when the time is done. You must realize your own STORY, then put an end to the story of the people or thing(s) that perpetuated your suffering. Past tense. And in order to fully LET GO, you must realize that there is an end, there CAN be an end to this perspective that you have grown so comfortable in... do you even know you are covered in SHIT?! You must see the end to the darkness you are creating, the all-encompassing SPACE that seems so dark, but once you let go and you are lighter, you can rise to the stars! You SEE the little lights surrounding you in the darkness. Friends who have wanted to love you for years, LOVE that you were not able to ACCEPT let alone even feel even an inch of until NOW. Start to feel yourSELF. In your BODY. Feeling LOVE, feeling LIGHT. Is it painful? Are you in IT? Are you feeling? Be grateful to be ALIVE. Does it hurt you? The love will hurt at first, the LIGHT will hurt after living in the darkness for many years, or perhaps your whole life. Like Plato's Cave, the Light may blind you... but keep letting go, keep getting LIGHTER, LIGHTER and you will become one.
I forgot who i was. I dont know how to find myself again. Dont get depressed. Keep going. Learn how to live. Dont stop. Hold onto something. Jump into the tide. Read. Meditate. Learn. You cant go on being someone else. You really cant. Stop pretending and move on. Let them move on too. Let it be. Let them be. Time to be. Be on time. Learn both. Begin again.
For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.
Many of us suffocate in stuff, spending countless hours sorting out our things. Bankers, economists, and business persons measure goods and services produced rather than joy and happiness. "Goods" replace good. Cars, houses, real estate, bank accounts - measure material self worth, not happiness (which is spiritual). All too easily we feel something is wrong or missing within us, if we don't have "enough" material goods. Strange to say, "more is not more". Truth is "less is more" - which means freedom from bondage to stuff. Hard to rid ourselves of things. Pick up anything to get rid of - and it reattaches itself to us as if saying, "You're going to need me again someday!" We may die and others will take, sell or give it all away. Gandhi was asked to sumarize his philosophy in three words. Gandhi said, "Renounce and enjoy". It's true. Try it.
A master artist spent days setting up canvases and paints in his studio. Then in a few hours, dashed off the painting. Much happened in his mind during days of set up. He was ready. Within a short time, he dashed off the painting. In his conscious and subconscious minds things where coming together. Many phases of our lives are like that: going to school for a degree, finding a life partner, getting a business off the ground, etc. Living often appears to be mostly setup time. Enjoy setup as well as execution and completion. Every step along the way is precious. Therefore, live in full presence of this moment, here and now. This is the way of embodied meditation.
Subterranean powers run our lives. We are not really in control of ourselves and destinies as much as we think. The illusion is that we have conscious control over our lives; the reality is that our preferences, desires, goals, objectives, loves, hates, etc. are all affected and determined by "forces" inside of us evolving along with our bodies over millions of years. Sometimes, I think that these "forces" are the real expression of God (and that they actually help us understand what God is as an actor in the universe). But perhaps it's best to just live with the mystery of it all.
I lost myself entirely the past few months. I avoided who I truly was and wandered down a deep path into the dark forest of life. There were rays of light in the forest's canopy but instead of following them out of the forest, I followed the dried stream of a once nurturing river. Why did I choose this path when I knew it wouldn't support my journey? It was easier to let go of my true self instead of letting go of my ego. The ego is manipulative and promises us peace if we follow it blindly. I desperately wanted peace and decided to choose what was easiest. It asked me to avoid the light shining through its canopy so I couldn't find my true self again; so I couldn't find my way home. Regretfully, I agreed to follow my ego deeper down this dark path and I strayed even further.
Waking up today was terrifying. When I opened my eyes, I saw how far down the path I had wandered and realized it wasn't just a bad dream. I have a long journey ahead of me to get back to where I was before I diverted from my path. It will take me time but I will find my way home; I can finally see the light.